Washington, D.C. – In an unprecedented legal move, the spirits of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, and Alexander Hamilton have filed a lawsuit against the United States government, citing “flagrant misinterpretations” of their original intentions and “egregious constitutional malpractice.”
The lawsuit, submitted to the Supreme Court through a spectral legal representative, claims that both major political parties, several media outlets, and various special interest groups have “grossly misrepresented” the Founding Fathers’ beliefs for personal and political gain.
“Every election cycle, we hear our words twisted, cherry-picked, and weaponized in ways that would make even Benedict Arnold cringe,” Washington said in a statement delivered via candlelit séance at the National Archives. “We’ve had enough.”
Key Complaints in the Lawsuit
The suit lists several grievances, including:
- Thomas Jefferson on Government Overreach: “Stop quoting me as if I was against government itself,” Jefferson stated, visibly exasperated during a press conference held in an abandoned tavern. “I wrote that some government was necessary. You’re not supposed to use my words to justify selling raw milk without regulations or eliminating traffic lights.”
- James Madison on the Second Amendment: Madison expressed dismay over the ongoing debates surrounding the Second Amendment. “When we wrote about militias, we meant muskets and state-organized defense, not a guy named Doug stockpiling grenade launchers in his backyard.”
- Alexander Hamilton on the National Debt: “If I hear one more person claim I was against a strong federal government, I will haunt them personally,” Hamilton threatened, adjusting his ghostly cravat. “I literally invented the national banking system. And no, I would not have converted our currency to Bitcoin.”
- George Washington on Political Parties: The first president was reportedly “furious” about being used to justify both extreme conservatism and progressive policies. “I specifically warned against political parties. Now you have two teams, each pretending I’d be their captain. I WOULDN’T PICK A SIDE—I’D BENCH YOU ALL.”
Defendants Named in the Case
The lawsuit targets multiple political figures, cable news networks, and social media influencers who have “deliberately and repeatedly” misrepresented historical context. Also included in the case are several fast-food chains for using the Founding Fathers’ likenesses in Presidents’ Day marketing campaigns.
“We appreciate the free fries with a burger purchase, but we did not fight the British so you could use my face to sell discounted mattresses,” Jefferson added.
Legal Experts Weigh In
Legal scholars are unsure how the Supreme Court will handle the case, given the plaintiffs’ lack of legal standing in the physical realm. However, the lawsuit has already sent shockwaves through Washington D.C., with lawmakers scrambling to revise their historical references.
Former Senate Majority Leader Mitch O’Connell (no relation to reality) announced an emergency initiative to “fact-check” political quotes before using them in speeches, while House Representative Marjorie Bobert (also no relation) stated, “I always knew the Founding Fathers were watching over us, but I didn’t realize they’d lawyer up.”
Meanwhile, the defense team, led by a coalition of government officials and corporate lawyers, is preparing their counterargument: that the Founding Fathers, as 18th-century individuals, lack a proper understanding of modern America.
“Frankly, they’re out of touch,” said attorney Ben Flagg. “They don’t even know what TikTok is.”
Washington’s Final Warning
Before the press conference ended, George Washington offered a final piece of advice:
“If you insist on invoking my name, do so with integrity. If not, I will cross the Delaware once more—this time, with a class-action lawsuit.”
The Supreme Court has yet to announce whether it will hear the case, though Chief Justice Roberts reportedly spent the morning staring at a painting of the Constitutional Convention and muttering, “This job keeps getting weirder.”
