KANAB, UT—In a bold move that has left locals scratching their heads and laughing nervously, an out-of-town developer has announced the construction of Sheriff’s Estates, a new subdivision directly across from the Kane County Sheriff’s Department building. While the location might have seemed like a mistake to some—given that it blocks the stunning views of the local reservoir—developers are leaning into the theme, marketing the subdivision to both liberals and conservatives with equal gusto.
“For the liberals, we’re advertising in left-leaning, glossy magazines and art publications, touting this as the safest subdivision in Kanab,” said the developer, flipping through a copy of Progressive Weekly. “Why own a gun when the sheriff’s department has like 300 of them and riot gear just a block away? This is the gun-free utopia you’ve been dreaming of!”
For conservatives, the approach is slightly different. “What could be more comforting than living so close to your kind of people?” the developer added. A recent ad on a popular firearms website reads, “They like guns. We like guns,” alongside a picture of a bald eagle clutching a revolver.
The development is the latest from an out of state developer clearly out of touch with the local public and reality, who also developed “Lower, Lower Ranchos Estates,” which was changed from Sewer Pond Estates after the listing real estate agents complained, stating “We didn’t make one sale until the name change, now we just refer to them as the south ponds and residents only really notice them in the summer heat.”
Naming the Unnameable
After much deliberation, Sheriff’s Estates was chosen instead of other contenders Rodeo Ground Estates, Trap & Skeet Estates, and the brutally honest Dump Adjacent Villas. “I mean, why sugarcoat it?” said a local. “We all know what it’s going to smell like come August.”
Many lament the missed opportunity to call the development Lake View Estates, given its proximity to the reservoir. “But who needs a lake view,” argued the developer, “when you’ve got a straight shot of the sheriff’s parking lot? That’s what I call premium real estate.”
Unique Features: Jailhouse Chic
Homes in the subdivision will start at $800,000—an eyebrow-raising figure for Kanab residents. But the developer insists the price is justified, citing “safety and theme-based living.”
Each home will feature design cues inspired by the sheriff’s department, including exterior facades modeled after local jail facilities, complete with faux bars over the windows “for that extra secure vibe.” Interiors will boast open-concept layouts with law-enforcement-themed accents, such as handcuff-shaped drawer pulls and a dining nook painted in the department’s official colors.
Additionally, every home will be equipped with a state-of-the-art vacuum tube system, much like the ones used at banks. “In case of an emergency, residents can send a note directly to Sheriff’s dispatch. No other development in the world offers this feature,” the developer said, beaming with pride.
Safety First (and Arizona Last)
The developer also addressed concerns about the subdivision’s proximity to the Arizona border, a source of local anxiety. “Everyone knows that even breathing Arizona air makes you more likely to commit crimes—that’s just science,” they said. “Sheriff’s Estates offers a buffer zone. Close enough to Arizona for the thrill, far enough for plausible deniability.”
Divided Opinions
Reactions among locals have been mixed. “It’s ridiculous, but at least it’s not another golf course proposal,” said one resident, referring to an unconfirmed rumor that the same parcel was once eyed for a golfing development. “I don’t care enough to double-check that, though. This is Kanab; we’re all about vibes, not facts.”
Others were less enthused. “Who in their right mind is paying $800,000 to live next to the dump and the sheriff’s office? Are they handing out free tasers or something?”
Shooting for the Stars
Despite the criticism, the developer remains optimistic. “Between the sheriff’s proximity, the trap and skeet range, and the rodeo grounds, there’s something for everyone here. Horsies, guns, and justice—it’s the American dream!”
When asked about their use of the term “horsies,” the developer blinked. “Do people not say that? I thought it was cute.”
Construction will begin next month, and homes are expected to be move-in ready by summer. Whether Kanab residents will buy into the “proximity to justice” lifestyle is unknown, but at least one thing is clear: future homeowners will never need to wonder where the loud sirens are coming from.
