KANAB, UT—Kanabut.com, a humor website launched by the mysterious L.G. Johnson (probably not a pseudonym), has taken Kanab by storm after publishing a scathing satire about the local police chief allegedly hitting a pedestrian. In the absence of coverage of the story from the local newspaper, Kanabut.com has filled the gap as the accidental “news” leader, offering a mix of hilarity and bewilderment that has captivated Kanab..
“It’s refreshing to finally have a news outlet that tells it like it might have been,” said longtime resident Harold McGrady, sipping his morning Diet Mountain Dew. “After years of watching Newsmax and MSNBC, I’m practically an expert in spotting fake news. But with Kanabut.com? It’s different. I don’t even have to think about whether it’s real or fake—my brain just accepts it.”
Banned for Being Too Funny
L.G. Johnson (probably not a pseudonym), the site’s enigmatic founder and author of the now-infamous satire piece, has not emerged unscathed from his newfound fame. He was promptly banned from the Kanab Classifieds Facebook page following the article’s release.
“It’s not that people didn’t find it funny,” explained Facebook group moderator Pam Mathers, while crocheting a ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ wall hanging. “It’s that they found it too funny. We can’t have people laughing in Kanab. Life isn’t funny, and frankly, we’re pretty sure humor is a sin on par with lust. If people want joy, they can go to Mesquite for it like normal folks.”
Calls for Humor Classes
Not everyone was impressed. Some residents are reportedly trying to track down Johnson, allegedly to invite him to a local humor-writing class. “People around here are experts on satire and jokes,” said self-proclaimed comedy aficionado Daryl Langston. “We know what’s funny and what’s not, and let me tell you, anything related to Kanab or the police definitely isn’t funny.”
Comments under the article included a growing list of topics Kanabut.com is advised to steer clear of in the future:
- Anything police-related
- Anything person-related, living or dead
- Animals, plants, or other living organisms
- Rocks, outer space, or the Earth
- Anything remotely connected to Kanab, Utah
One commenter noted, “While the First Amendment protects your right to say things, it doesn’t protect you from people who’ve had their funny bones surgically removed or never heard of Anthony Jeselnik.”
Cultural Heritage vs. Netflix
The article has also reignited Kanab’s simmering resistance to “outside influences.” Local internet provider Kanab ISP issued a stern statement: “We will begin monitoring Netflix accounts for anyone adding comedy specials to their ‘Watch Later’ lists. If we find violations, your name will be added to the Shame List, which is posted at every church, potluck, and the Apple Festival.”
“We’re just protecting our heritage,” said Broadband CEO Daryl Jenkins. “Kanab thrives on the traditions of our forefathers, who didn’t need comedy. They had serious things to think about, like wagon wheels and keeping the coyotes away from their chickens.”
Jenkins added, “Our history and culture begin with the arrival of white settlers in Kanab and end somewhere around 1983. Anything before or after that isn’t real history, and we’re not here to debate it.”
A Bright Future for Fake News
Despite the controversy, L.G. Johnson seems unfazed. “If being banned from the Kanab Classifieds and called out for my humor is the price of greatness, so be it,” Johnson said in an exclusive interview conducted via carrier pigeon. “Kanabut.com is here to stay. Besides, the first rule of satire is to punch up, and in Kanab, everything looks up when you’ve been staring at the red rocks too long.”
Kanabut.com has already promised to tackle more hard-hitting topics, including a report on why Kanab’s annual chili cook-off doesn’t allow beans (spoiler: they’re considered liberal), and an exposé on the mysteriously long wait times at the local post office.
Kanab residents can’t wait for the next article—but only if it doesn’t mention them, their families, their pets, their rocks, or their town.
