KANAB, UT—In what experts are calling “an unmatched display of excuse-based creativity,” Daniela Ganassim Ericksen, the suspect arrested for vandalizing petroglyphs at the Wire Pass Trail, defended her actions in a series of baffling statements after being taken into custody on November 30.
The incident, which left historic petroglyphs defaced, sparked outrage across Utah and beyond. But Ericksen, apparently unfazed, doubled down on her choices.
“These ancient carvings were so dusty and faded; I thought they needed a refresh,” she said, attempting to reframe her felony charges as a misunderstood act of community service. “Plus, my cousin works at Hobby Lobby, so I know a thing or two about decorative motifs.”
When pressed further, Ericksen launched into an explanation that was equal parts surreal and self-serving. “I thought they were, like, public chalkboards for hikers. I mean, how was I supposed to know they were important petroglyphs? There weren’t even any hashtags on them!”
Authorities remain puzzled as to how Ericksen overlooked multiple signs explicitly stating the site’s cultural and archaeological significance. Ericksen was ready with another rationale: “I’m a Gemini, and we’re naturally curious.”
According to witnesses, Ericksen ignored multiple pleas to stop her actions, reportedly shouting, “I’m making my mark for the history books, just like these ancient guys did!”
Ericksen’s creative defense continued during her arrest.
“I was only trying to teach my kids about art,” she explained to BLM officers, despite not being accompanied by children. “And also, my phone died, and I needed to kill time while it recharged. It’s not my fault modern society is so screen-dependent!”
She even attempted to blame the defacement on a mix-up with a nearby trail marker. “Look, the map was confusing! I thought I was drawing on a designated graffiti wall,” she added, despite the absence of any such feature at Wire Pass, or any historic site.
BLM officials weren’t buying it. “This wasn’t some innocent mistake; it was a blatant act of vandalism against an irreplaceable cultural site,” said Paria River District Manager Harry Barber. “But at least she engraved her phone number so we could just give her a call.”
Meanwhile, Ericksen’s associate, who has not been named, reportedly tried to distance themselves from the situation by stating, “I just came for the snacks. But I stayed to watch, because, you know, felonies are fun!”
As outrage over the incident continues to grow, Ericksen has issued a half-hearted apology on social media, claiming she was “misunderstood” and that she had been “channeling the artistic spirits of the ancestors.” The post has since been deleted after archaeologists collectively rolled their eyes so hard it triggered seismic activity.
BLM officials have reiterated the importance of protecting cultural sites, urging the public to report any suspicious activity. As for Ericksen, her upcoming court appearance promises to be just as colorful as her excuses.
“I’ll be vindicated,” Ericksen declared while being escorted out of the courthouse. “
