KANAB, UT— In a shocking development that’s sure to renew public trust in law enforcement, Kanab Police Chief Tom Cram demonstrated the department’s unwavering commitment to “protect and serve” by serving a 58-year-old pedestrian an unprompted demonstration of vehicular physics last month. The Utah Highway Patrol confirmed the incident, which occurred at the intersection of 300 South and 100 East, proving once again that crosswalks are really just “suggestions” when it comes to local law enforcement.
According to UHP Lt. Cameron Roden, Chief Cram, driving a city-owned Ford F-150 police truck—because who needs a cruiser when you can roll coal on taxpayer dollars—turned into blinding sunlight and allegedly “didn’t see” the pedestrian. The pedestrian, apparently guilty of the heinous crime of crossing the street in a crosswalk, was left with injuries described as “moderate to serious.” Roden clarified, “We want to emphasize, for once, the pedestrian did absolutely nothing wrong. Frankly, it’s kind of refreshing.”
Surveillance footage obtained from a nearby camera shows the man simply walking across the street moments before the chief turned the intersection into a real-life game of Frogger. Witnesses report the pedestrian appeared confused about why he was being “detained” by the front bumper of a law enforcement vehicle.
While Chief Cram declined to comment, sources close to the investigation report that the sunlight excuse may become a Kanab Police Department standard, right up there with “I smelled marijuana” and “I feared for my safety.” In the meantime, the pedestrian has been upgraded from “innocent bystander” to “small-town celebrity” and is reportedly fielding offers from law firms promising settlements big enough to fund Kanab’s third stoplight.
As for legal accountability, the case has been tossed around more times than a department-issued flashlight during a night shift. The Kane County Attorney’s Office decided the incident wasn’t “critical,” because apparently “nearly killing a pedestrian” doesn’t meet the department’s high bar for what constitutes critical. Kanab City Attorney’s Office also declined to review the case, citing a conflict of interest—or maybe just sheer awkwardness. The Garfield County Attorney’s Office has been tasked with deciding if charges will be filed, but their silence on the matter suggests they’ve either lost the file or are waiting for someone to explain what a crosswalk is.
Meanwhile, Kanab’s population of 5,000 (and roughly 7 dogs per person) is still adjusting to the news. “I mean, we’ve got one crosswalk in this whole town,” said lifelong resident Linda Mae. “We thought it was decorative. Turns out, it’s a bullseye.” Others have suggested the town’s new tourism slogan could be “Kanab: Come for the Scenery, Stay Because You’re in Recovery.”As for Chief Cram, he remains on duty, patrolling Kanab’s quiet streets, presumably with his headlights on high beam and his F-150 locked onto cruise control. Residents are advised to proceed with caution near crosswalks, alleys, or anywhere sunlight might exist, and to remember the department’s new motto: Kanab PD—We’ll See You When We See You.
