KANAB, UT — Patriots of Kanab rallied last Sunday to express patriotism, anger, and a general sense that something is very wrong with the country, only to discover that other Kanab Patriots were already there, being patriotic in a way that felt deeply incorrect.
The first group of patriots arrived waving American flags, holding signs reading “Protect the Constitution,” “Liberty and Freedom for All,” and several slogans that sounded familiar but were hard to remember because they were long. Meanwhile, a separate and equally patriotic group of Kanab locals made a point of not noticing those flags, signs, or slogans at all, which they later described as “a very patriotic choice.”
Both groups immediately accused the other of not understanding independence, liberty, freedom, the Constitution, or what the Founding Fathers would have wanted specifically in Kanab on a Sunday afternoon.
Confusion escalated when patriots at the rally questioned whether the other patriots were even from Kanab, while those being questioned wondered aloud whether questioning someone’s Kanab-ness was itself un-Kanab-like. Several onlookers reported feeling briefly unsure if they themselves were patriotic, or if patriotism was something you needed to register for ahead of time.
Observers described the scene as “loud but polite,” “tense but mostly squinty,” and “a lot of people explaining America to each other.”
Proposed Patriot Games
In response to the confusion, a third group calling itself Patriotically Kanabian has proposed a series of competitive events—dubbed the Patriot Games—to finally determine who is the most patriotic. Events under consideration include:
- Constitution Speed-Dating, where contestants must correctly identify at least two amendments without using the phrase “you should look it up.”
- Flag Folding Freestyle, judged on precision, respectfulness, and how seriously everyone takes it.
- The Liberty Decathlon, featuring events such as yelling “freedom,” refusing to define freedom, and accusing others of hating freedom.
- Make The Other Side’s Argument, where participants must argue the opposing viewpoint so convincingly that everyone becomes uncomfortable. The winner automatically loses.
- American History Trivia, limited strictly to facts everyone vaguely remembers from high school.
- Who’s Read The Constitution Most Recently, verified entirely on the honor system.
- Patriotic Silence, where competitors see how long they can stand near opposing views without muttering under their breath.
Despite proposing the games, Patriotically Kanabian representatives clarified that no members of either of the other two groups would be allowed to participate, citing “a lack of sufficient Kanab energy, and possibly excess patriotism.”
No Plans to Reconcile, But Plenty of Plans to Side-Eye
At present, neither of the two original groups has plans to connect with the other, aside from occasional mumbled insults, carefully worded Facebook posts, and sharply sprung humor delivered just loud enough that someone would maybe hear it.
While there was a faint undertone of potential conflict, sources confirmed that realistically no one wants to get on the bad side of Chief Thom Kram (name changed for privacy), particularly given his well-documented vehicular navigation skills.
Efforts to reach leaders of either group went unanswered, mostly because no such efforts were actually made, but it felt important to include that sentence for journalistic balance.
Community Reaction
The majority of Kanab residents have responded by rolling their eyes, continuing their errands, and quietly wondering when patriotism became a group project. Several locals reported briefly considering relocation to Big Water, where patriots are patriots and the water isn’t actually that big. Which is to say: they have a very big water problem, but at least it’s clear what it is.
As of press time, all three groups had returned to their respective silos, where acknowledging the existence of the others remains the closest thing to common ground anyone could agree on.
Hilarious! And probably fairly accurate. 😁