FREDONIA, AZ — In a shocking turn of events that literally nobody predicted (except everyone who’s ever dealt with state-level bureaucracy), the Town of Fredonia has declared a State of Emergency after being left without any official emergency medical services. Like, at all.
After Arizona cut ties with Kane County Hospital due to “certification issues” (translation: paperwork drama), the good people of Fredonia were left wondering: “Hey, what happens if I don’t just walk it off?”
You can read the actual news report here if you want to feel simultaneously informed and horrified:
👉 Fredonia State of Emergency due to lack of EMS services
In the meantime, Fredonia isn’t waiting for the Arizona Department of Health Services to get its act together. Nope. They’ve rolled out their own locally-sourced, artisanal EMS strategy — and it’s got a lot of heart, some duct tape, and at least one goat.
Here’s what Fredonia is working with:
1. “Neighbor With a Subaru” Program
In the absence of certified transport, residents are encouraged to buddy up with that one guy on the block who owns a Subaru Outback and has seen at least two episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. Subarus will be stocked with granola bars and emotional support.
2. DIY Medical Tent at Dollar General
A temporary triage area has been set up behind Dollar General, staffed by Linda from the Chamber of Commerce, a high school sophomore who once did CPR on a manikin, and a Vietnam vet who may or may not be a little high. Supplies include peroxide, duct tape, a heating pad, and half a bottle of expired ibuprofen.
3. Mobile Emergency Goat Squad
In a desert innovation not seen since the invention of sunburn, Fredonia has deployed a team of alert, slightly aggressive goats trained to seek out injured individuals and scream until someone shows up. One goat named Dennis has already rescued a hiker, eaten his first aid kit, and headbutted a snake “just in case.”
4. Granbulance Corps
Fredonia’s retired community members have risen to the occasion. Enter: The Granbulance Corps — a volunteer fleet of grandmothers in souped-up golf carts armed with crocheted neck braces, essential oils, and hard candy. One grandma reportedly resuscitated a man using nothing but vapor rub and firm disapproval.
5. Emergency Winch System to Kanab
For major trauma cases, Fredonia has proposed strapping patients to a gurney and winching them uphill to Kanab. “It’s physics-adjacent,” said a local hobbyist with three pulleys and a dream. The test run ended in a dislocated hip and a broken mailbox, but officials remain optimistic.
6. Walk-It-Off Hotline
Fredonia has launched a 24-hour hotline where injured residents can call and be told, “Eh, you’ll be fine.” Advice includes classics like “rub some dirt on it,” “it’s probably not broken,” and “just drink some water.”
7. Snake Bite Self-Treatment Classes
Since EMS response times are now roughly the same as glacial movement, the town is offering free workshops on removing your own appendix, treating snake bites, and building a tourniquet out of a belt, a stick, and sheer panic.
Meanwhile, ADHS Stands By with Warm Thoughts and a Fresh Rejection Stamp
The Arizona Department of Health Services insists that Kane County Hospital could return if they filled out their Certificate of Need application exactly right, without smudges, and possibly notarized by a unicorn. In the meantime, Fredonia continues to fend for itself with hope, goats, and mild passive aggression.
So yes, Fredonia has declared a State of Emergency. But don’t worry. They’ve got this.
Probably.
As long as Dennis the goat doesn’t unionize.
This is so good! I couldn’t stop laughing!