KANAB, UT — Nearly 200 protestors marched through downtown Kanab Saturday as part of the “Hands Off” March, a local outpouring of progressive frustration, human rights awareness, and—according to one man in a camo hoodie—“some kind of hippy fitness parade.”
Local residents were stunned, not just by the turnout, but by the realization that Democrats apparently live here. “I just assumed they were all truck-stop travelers on mushrooms,” said Doug “Buckshot” Tanner, who watched the march from the safety of his F-150 while eating jerky and muttering “deep state” every thirty seconds.
Cognitive Dissonance in Real Time
Particularly disorienting to onlookers were protest signs such as “Veterans Are Not Parasites, They’re Heroes” and “No King, Let Freedom Ring.” Locals struggled to process these statements, noting the suspicious use of accurate spelling, multisyllabic words, and unfamiliar punctuation like quotation marks.
“It’s weird, because they’re using our words,” said Linda Haskill, who once ran for County Recorder on a platform of “God, Guns, and Guts…not Government.” “Freedom, veterans, the Constitution… we trademarked those emotionally in 2004. Who gave them permission?”
Message Overload or Political Buffet?
Many locals were also confused by the variety of protest topics, which included immigration, reproductive rights, Indigenous sovereignty, and climate justice. “We prefer our slogans like we prefer our sandwiches: simple, white, and with no uncomfortable truths,” said Carl Finch, wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat that’s never been washed, like his opinions.
“I mean, if your movement is about 100 things, maybe it’s about nothing? Pick a lane. That’s how we got Build the Wall and Drill, Baby, Drill and—my personal favorite—No Homo, Just Jesus.”
“That’s too many messages,” grumbled one local. “You gotta pick one thing, like Make America Great Again. Boom. Simple. To the point. Vague enough to mean anything, specific enough to say nothing.”
Locals remained confused but steadfast in their refusal to look anything up. “I’m not googling it,” said one man. “Google is the search engine of the devil, and I already sold my soul to Amazon for two-day shipping.”
Protesters Also Baffled
On the flip side, the marchers were equally flabbergasted. “We thought there’d be counter-protesters or at least someone yelling ‘Trump 2028,’ but mostly folks just stared at us like we were a flash mob of sentient NPR tote bags,” said Aliyah Morgan, who drove down from Orderville with her handmade sign and low expectations.
Sources confirmed that the current administration remained unaware of the protest, having spent the entire day counting their millions and billions, then pretending poor people don’t exist unless they’re useful in a campaign ad.
Missed Connections and Missed Opportunities
Perhaps the most ironic twist was the protest’s communication strategy—or lack thereof. Organizers allegedly instructed marchers not to engage with anyone who asked questions, presumably to avoid confrontation. Instead, they succeeded in achieving the rare protest outcome of confusing literally everyone.
“They were everywhere,” said one man, clutching his Subway sandwich like a crucifix. “Blue hair. Purple hair. One lady had what I think was glitter eyeliner and a tote bag with books in it. Books! In public!”
Despite the confusion, a few locals admitted it was impressive to gather that many people in a town where the last big event was a raccoon stuck in the library. “If they can get 200 folks to protest,” said one man in a four-wheeler, “maybe you can get ten to have snacks and strategize,” one man muttered.
As for the protesters, they went home feeling both validated and wildly bewildered. “We made a statement,” said one woman while packing up her Prius. “I just don’t know what statement it was.”
Future protest plans are reportedly on hold while organizers figure out how to carry signs and explain them at the same time.
