Secret Meeting Totally Normal and Not at All Illegal, Say Officials While Shoving Agenda Under Couch Cushions
KANAB, UT — In a move that legal experts are already calling “very illegal” and “also insane,” the Kane County Commission reportedly held a secret vote to secede from the state of Utah, annex the Arizona town of Fredonia, and continue receiving state and federal funding—because, you know, they still need new pickleball courts.
The commission’s action appears to violate the Utah Open and Public Meetings Act, which requires public notice, agendas, and recording of government decisions unless they involve, like, classified alien tech or purchasing bulk folding chairs.
But in their defense, county officials say they were “just too inspired by the spirit of independence, specifically the kind where nobody asks questions and we do what we want.” The motion passed unanimously among the three commissioners and one raccoon who was accidentally counted after falling asleep on a swivel chair.
A Bold New Vision for Ignoring People
According to an internal memo scribbled on the back of a Subway sandwich wrapper, Kane County’s main reason for secession is that “Utah has been listening to its citizens far too much lately, and we fear that could catch on here.”
One commissioner elaborated:
“Our leadership model is simple: don’t ask the public, and definitely don’t tell them. We believe in representative government, where we represent…ourselves. We’re pioneers in performative transparency.”
New State-Like Status May Include Slightly More Arizona
As part of the motion, Kane County also expressed interest in annexing Fredonia, Arizona, the small town roughly 7 minutes away, citing its “geographic proximity, general confusion, and abundance of recovering addicts.” When asked if Fredonia residents had any say in the matter, one commissioner replied, “Oh, they’ll come around. Or we’ll just install a new mayor made entirely out of plywood and vibes.”
In return for their sovereignty, the county plans to still receive state and federal grants—especially for pickleball courts, scenic viewpoints, and a new “Kane County History & Glory Museum,” which is rumored to contain 80% defunded programs and 20% unearned plaques.
New Slogans Proposed for the Breakaway County-State-Thing
A branding team (also the commissioners) has workshopped several slogans for the county’s exciting new chapter. Top contenders include:
- “Kanabsolutely Free, Kanabsolutely Unhinged”
- “Kane County: Wider Than It Is Wise”
- “Come for the Red Rock, Stay Because You’re Trapped in Jurisdictional Limbo”
- “A Pretty Great State-Like Entity, Depending on Who You Ask”
- “Kanabulously Independent Since This Morning”
- “Boundless Horizons, Questionable Governance”
- “We Took ‘County Autonomy’ and Ran Way Too Far With It”
- “Don’t Tread on Us (Unless You’re Bringing Funding)”
As of press time, Utah state officials were unaware of the move, mostly because the meeting was held inside a broom closet and disguised as “birthday cake tasting.” A follow-up meeting is scheduled in a different undisclosed location, possibly inside of Houston’s.
