WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the aftermath of their stunning 2024 loss to former President Donald J. Trump, Democratic Party officials gathered early this month to deliver a solemn message to the American people: “You’re all just experiencing reality wrong.”
“We understand that many of you have been struggling with rent, groceries, and general existential dread,” said a top campaign strategist, adjusting his Patagonia fleece. “But if you’d taken the time to read our Medium blog, attend one of our seven virtual town halls, and scroll through our incredibly detailed policy infographics on Instagram, you’d know your life is actually just fine.”
The strategy—referred to internally as “Gaslight and Grumble”—was reportedly inspired by the party’s deep commitment to ignoring the vibes of anyone not currently holding a graduate degree in urban policy.
Kitchen Table? What Kitchen Table? We eat on the veranda.
While voters consistently cited issues like housing costs, food prices, and stagnant wages as top concerns, Democratic messaging focused on more pressing matters, such as renaming a military base in Delaware and publicly condemning a mid-tier podcast host for using a problematic metaphor in 2017.
“We tried explaining the economic recovery in terms of GDP growth adjusted for inflation,” said one comms staffer. “But for some reason, people just kept yelling, ‘My burrito cost 18 bucks!’”
Asked to comment, one Nevada voter simply screamed, “I live in my Honda Civic,” before driving off at 12 MPH to preserve gas.
Kamala ‘By Default’ Harris
The 2024 nomination of Kamala Harris was hailed as “historic,” “bold,” and “kind of rushed but Threads seemed into it.” After President Biden stepped aside with all the enthusiasm of someone accepting their gold watch, the DNC quickly rallied behind Harris—without a primary, a vote, or even one of those debates where people pretend to like corn dogs at the Iowa State Fair.
“We felt that holding a primary would send the wrong message—that Democrats believe in choice,” said one advisor, mouthing the word Bernie and adding. “Instead, we chose the path of least democratic resistance, a bequest of you will.”
Harris’ campaign, despite heavy promotion by influencers who live in Brooklyn and haven’t met a non-barista since 2016, failed to gain traction in places where humans drive trucks and have very strong opinions about chili.
Messaging Matters: But Maybe Not 1900 Words at a Time
In a move described by critics as “verbal yoga,” the Democratic Party adopted a messaging strategy that prioritized nuance, caveats, and at least three footnotes per tweet.
While Republicans charged ahead with the fiery slogan “Take Back America” and “Make America Great Again, Again” Democrats countered with a more contemplative approach:
“We understand your concerns about rising costs, and while causality is complex, it’s important to examine long-term systemic trends in the context of post-pandemic monetary policy and geopolitical instability. Please see attached PDF.”
Surveys showed most voters gave up reading around word five, typically during the word “concerns.”
Party of the People (Just Not These People)
Once the voice of steelworkers and teachers, the Democrats have evolved into the party of artisanal data scientists and avocado-forward policy analysts.
“I thought they cared about regular people,” said Tony Ramirez, who’s been welding since the Bush administration. “Now they’re out here giving keynotes on machine-learning-powered recycling apps. I just want a raise and working brakes on my truck.”
Silicon Valley donors were thrilled, calling the party’s new direction “a brave stand for quantum ethics in autonomous trash bins.” Somewhere, FDR rolled over in his grave and unsubscribed from the DNC mailing list.
Trump: The Only Message
Perhaps the most consistent plank of the Democratic platform was “Trump is bad.” While not technically incorrect, this approach became less effective over time as voters grew bored of the same 8-year-old footage of him dancing awkwardly at a rally.
“We needed something for people to vote for,” admitted one Harris campaign staffer. “But instead, we just kept shouting, ‘Remember Charlottesville!’ at random intervals and hoped that would be enough.”
Voters, meanwhile, were reportedly more focused on paying for dog food and not having to live with their ex.
A Quick Word from the DNC’s Official Post-Election Statement:
“To all the voters who feel we didn’t hear you—we assure you we did. We just disagreed with your feelings, your perceptions, and the way you expressed them. Next time, try using more academic language and citing sources.”
Looking Ahead
With 2028 already on the horizon, Democrats are hard at work crafting a new message that’s “emotionally resonant, semantically rich, and entirely unreadable in fewer than three sittings.” Insiders report they’re also open to nominating someone who’s seen a utility bill.
In the meantime, a new Republican Congress has vowed to roll back federal funding for feelings entirely.
Stay tuned for the Democrats’ upcoming rebranding effort: “The Party of Accountability (for You, Not Us).”
