SALT LAKE CITY — In a stirring victory for fans of secrecy, shadowy corners, and redacted PDFs, the Utah Legislature has snagged the 2025 Black Hole Award—an honor lovingly bestowed by the Society of Professional Journalists upon whichever government body most courageously decides the public just doesn’t need to know stuff.
“I haven’t won an award since my 8th grade science fair,” said one anonymous lawmaker, whispering from behind a locked office door. “But this one feels right. I worked hard to keep the public out of the loop, and it’s nice to be recognized.”
The prestigious dishonor follows years of legislative gymnastics to tighten GRAMA laws (that’s the Government Records Access and Management Act, not your grandma, who would probably be way more helpful about public records).
After repeated losses in court and orders to release information—like calendars and internal police interviews—lawmakers did what any bold, pioneering public servants would do: they changed the rules so they wouldn’t lose anymore.
Goodbye, Accountability. Hello, Governor’s Handpicked Referee
Up until recently, Utahns could take their beef over denied records to the State Records Committee—a seven-member squad of volunteers with different backgrounds and an apparent allergy to cover-ups. Tragically, they have now been replaced by one administrative law judge appointed by the governor, because nothing screams “neutral and unbiased” like letting the guy being sued pick the referee.
“Sure, it seems sketchy,” admitted one lawmaker while sliding a stack of “Do Not Disclose” stickers into a desk drawer. “But it saves time. One judge is way faster at saying ‘no’ than a committee of seven.”
Hot GRAMA Messes: A Timeline of Transparency Tantrums
Utah’s commitment to making information inaccessible has truly been inspiring. Here are just a few highlight-reel plays from the last few years:
• 2022: Lawmakers block public access to statements from police under investigation. Because nothing builds trust like hiding how shootings are investigated.
• 2023: They also block access to college athletes’ NIL contracts. Because obviously, knowing what the quarterback makes would crumble the very pillars of society.
• 2024: After a judge ruled that the Attorney General’s calendar was public record, the Legislature passed a law hiding all digital calendars within hours. Who knew Google Calendar could be such a threat to democracy?
Access Denied, Now With Added Fees!
But wait, there’s more! This year, lawmakers passed HB69 (a bill name so ironically nice, it hurts), making it more expensive to appeal a denied request. Even if you win, you still have to pay, unless you prove the government acted in bad faith. Which they’ll obviously never admit.
“It’s a great move for freedom,” said absolutely no one outside the Capitol building. “Freedom from information. Freedom from transparency. Just… pure, unfiltered freedom from knowing what the heck is going on.”
Gov. Spencer Cox Says New Secrecy Laws Strike “Perfect Balance” Between Public Access and Never Telling You Anything Ever Again
Governor Spencer Cox announced he plans to sign these bills, assuring the public that, “It’s best for the people,” while presumably staring into a mirror, practicing the phrase until it almost sounded believable.
“This is just about balance,” he said, probably while holding a scale with “Accountability” on one side and a pile of flaming GRAMA requests on the other.
SPJ Not Laughing, Sadly
Emma Penrod, president of the SPJ Utah Headliners Chapter, reminded everyone this isn’t just a nerdy press issue. “These changes hurt everyone, especially folks without deep pockets,” she said. “Transparency isn’t a game. This isn’t Pokémon. You shouldn’t have to collect all the court rulings just to see what your elected officials are doing.”
Still, lawmakers don’t seem worried.
“If people wanted to know what we were doing,” one senator said off the record, “they should’ve gotten elected themselves. Or, you know, hired a lobbyist.”
Utah’s lawmakers have boldly declared that if information is power, then the public shall remain blissfully powerless. And for their efforts, they’ve been given a shiny Black Hole Award—though no one knows where it is now. Probably locked in a drawer, next to the truth.
This satirical story is based on a true story! Here it is: https://www.ksl.com/article/51280597/this-national-group-gave-the-utah-legislature-its-black-hole-award
