KANAB, UT — In a dazzling display of magnanimity not seen since that one time your uncle offered you the last chicken nugget but clearly hoped you’d say no, Senator John Curtis wowed protesters by giving them an entire 59 seconds of his undivided, sort-of-attentive, mid-walk attention.
According to one protester, Curtis strutted over like a man on a mission—to power-walk through the crowd and clock out of civic duty faster than a Costco employee at closing time. “You have 30 seconds while I’m walking and 30 seconds as I walk back,” he actually declared—heroically rounding down to 59 because, hey, time is money, and he’s got places to be… namely, not here.places to be…like not here!
“I shook his hand,” said one attendee. “But it felt more like a handshake/time-stamp combo. I think I saw him start a stopwatch.”
The Questions That Never Got Asked
With the brevity of a microwave burrito timer, protesters scrambled to figure out what they could possibly say in less than a minute.
“I wanted to ask him about climate change,” said protester Jeff Malone, “but I accidentally said, ‘Clime—’ and then he was already halfway back to his Prius. Or whatever lobbyist-powered vehicle he drives.”
Local woman Janna Kruse, who organized the rally, added, “We had signs, chants, and even snacks. But I guess next time we’ll bring a starting pistol and some rollerblades.”
Potential 59-Second Questions Protesters Could Have Asked:
• “Are you free this weekend for a real town hall or just speed-dating democracy again?”
• “If I talk really fast, can I fit in one full policy critique and a haiku?”
• “How do you sleep at night? Genuinely asking—melatonin? Herbal tea? The tears of constituents?”
• “Do you even know which state you’re in right now? Blink twice for Utah.”
Town Hall Maybe, Someday, Kinda
Senator Curtis did mention he’d “come back for a town hall,” which could mean anything from an actual community event to him shouting policy bullet points from a moving golf cart while chugging a Diet Dr. Pepper.
Local residents remain hopeful. “He said he’d come back,” said one optimistic voter. “And I believe him. I mean, at the same level I believe about anything on Kanab Classifieds.’”
In Conclusion, or Whatever You Can Say in Under a Minute
Senator Curtis’ lightning-round approach to representative government has sparked spirited debate, mostly centered on whether you can meaningfully address healthcare, public lands, or education in less time than it takes to heat up a corn dog.
In the meantime, protesters are considering new tactics, including:
• Holding signs written entirely in emoji
• Hiring an auctioneer to speak on their behalf
• Bringing a boombox that plays pre-recorded policy points at 2.5x speed
Because nothing says “the people’s voice matters” like yelling it out during a senator’s cardio session.
