KANAB, UT—Local humorist and certified menace to society, L.G. Johnson, is once again facing public backlash for daring to poke fun at the town’s leadership, law enforcement, and Facebook page overlords.
“I didn’t even read the article, but I know it’s not funny,” commented one concerned citizen who was not available for follow-up questions because they had already moved on to being furious about something they think they saw on a different post. “Joking about Kanab officials is just not appropriate. If you have a problem with them, take it up at a town meeting, where you will be ignored like everyone else.”
This marks the latest chapter in Kanab’s ongoing war against humor, a battle that many claim to be losing due to their own refusal to engage in even the most basic attempts at comedy.
“I’ll take them seriously when they actually try to make a joke themselves,” said Johnson. “So far, the funniest thing I’ve seen from these folks is their unwavering belief that our local government is free of corruption. That’s genuinely hilarious.”
The Kane County Mafia: Alive, Well, and Now in League With the Pickleball Mafia
As the controversy rages on, reports indicate that the Kane County Mafia—an entirely real and not-at-all exaggerated underground organization of powerful local figures—has now formed an unholy alliance with the Pickleball Mafia and the Facebook Mafia to silence Johnson once and for all.
“We’re talking about a full-scale hunt,” said one anonymous source, who definitely isn’t Johnson himself. “They’ve got pitchforks, pickleball paddles, and an army of Facebook moderators who can ban you from local pages with a single click. I don’t stand a chance.”
Kanab’s pickleball faction, once thought to be a harmless group of retirees aggressively dominating the local courts, has now been exposed as a ruthless syndicate of enforcers willing to protect the town’s fragile egos at any cost. “You cross the wrong person in this town, and suddenly you’re getting 10,000-word manifestos from a Facebook page admin saying that you’d been warned and that humor is an attack on our community values,” Johnson added.
The Facebook Admins: Kings of the Digital Realm
If humor is a crime in Kanab, then the Facebook group admins are the judge, jury, and executioner. These self-appointed sheriffs patrol their online territories with an iron fist, striking down dissenters and forcing their pets to grovel for every meal.
“I tried to post a picture of my dog the other day, and suddenly I was in a 24-hour time-out for ‘violating community guidelines,’” said one resident, who spoke only on the condition of anonymity. “Meanwhile, a 75-comment argument about whether or not a teenager should be publicly executed for rolling a stop sign has been up for three weeks!”
Sources close to the situation say some admins have begun physically manifesting their unchecked power, donning makeshift crowns and forcing their pets to bow before them before they’re allowed to eat. “It’s honestly impressive how fast it’s gone to their heads,” said one observer. “The line between ‘Facebook moderator’ and ‘18th-century feudal lord’ is getting pretty blurry.”
The Chicago Comparison: More Accurate Than Kanab Wants to Admit
While some critics have scoffed at comparisons between Kane County and Chicago, claiming that small-town governance is immune to corruption, Johnson remains steadfast in his observations.
“Oh sure, Kanab’s not as big as Chicago, but do you know what we do have? Land deals that mysteriously benefit the same people every time, a local government allergic to transparency, and a police department that really doesn’t like being the butt of a joke,” Johnson said. “The only thing we’re missing is a decent pizza joint…and one that definitely has a basement.”
As of press time, Johnson was seen fleeing into the wilderness, allegedly pursued by a mob of local officials, Facebook moderators, and furious pickleball enthusiasts. Authorities advise that if you see him, do not attempt to make a joke in his defense unless you’re absolutely certain it’s funny.
