KANAB, UT—Following the roaring success of countless real-life police chases through town, Kanab has officially announced its newest tourist attraction: The Kanab 600, a high-speed road race set to tear through the streets of this quiet, small-government-loving community.
The event, named after a controversial proposed development, will be overseen by some of Kanab’s finest—a dream team of disgraced former public officials whose legal troubles have prepared them perfectly for their new roles.
“Kanab has long been known as a place where people run from the law,” said race organizer and former Kane County Commissioner Andy Gant, who was allegedly clocked going 146 mph in a 60 mph zone before facing prosecution for reckless driving. “We’re just formalizing it!”
A High-Speed Spectacle with a Few… Creative Rule Adjustments
To ensure that safety remains just as much of a priority as it always has in Kanab, former Police Chief Tom Cram— known for recently settling the case of him running over a pedestrian—will oversee race safety, rule-making, and, most importantly, rule-breaking.
“The key to a good race is unpredictability,” said Cram, while casually revving the engine of a department-issued F150 truck that had somehow found its way into the official race lineup. “We’ll be implementing a ‘choose-your-own-speed-limit’ policy, and if a pedestrian happens to wander onto the course… well, let’s just say history has shown I know how to handle that.”
The race will also feature a special foot chase segment, where participants will have to sprint through downtown Kanab chased by “Kanab Patriots” in an exhilarating re-enactment of an actual police pursuit. The winner will be the first racer to successfully scale a fence and disappear into the sagebrush.
“We wanted this to feel authentic,” said Gant. “Which is why all race participants will have to dodge actual Kane County deputies and gun-toting locals while carrying a suspicious-looking duffel bag.”
Record-Keeping and Tech Management by an Expert in… Unauthorized Entry
Handling record-keeping and technology access will be former city manager Joe Decker, who is currently being prosecuted for breaking into the Kanab city building after hours.
“Listen, if there’s one thing I know, it’s how to get into places I shouldn’t be,” said Decker, cracking open a locked filing cabinet with a butter knife. “Which is exactly the skillset you need to keep track of race times and delete any unflattering footage from security cameras.”
All official race results will be stored somewhere deep inside a municipal computer system that Decker swears he has totally legal access to.
Wildlife Management and Roadkill Control by the Guy Who Knows a Thing or Two About That
To ensure that Kanab’s rich wildlife remains safe—or at least efficiently accounted for—former county commissioner Wade Heaton, who was arrested last year for poaching, will oversee race operations, animal control, and “wildlife management.”
“We love animals in Kanab, we really do,” Heaton assured reporters while polishing a mounted deer head. “That’s why I’ll be making sure any critters that don’t make it across the road in time are, uh, swiftly relocated to a more… permanent resting place.”
In addition to serving as the race’s official roadkill removal service, Heaton will be in charge of the “Wildlife Roulette” portion of the event, where participants will attempt to weave through a randomly released herd of mule deer, pronghorn, and confused tourists in rental RVs.
A Celebration of Small Government and Big Speeds
The Kanab 600 is already being hailed as “the ultimate celebration of the freedom to govern yourself,” a philosophy Kanab officials have historically embraced—at least until the law finally caught up with them.
“People in Kanab have always wanted smaller government,” said one resident. “And if these guys keep getting arrested, we just might get there!”
The race is scheduled to take place on whatever day Andy and Joe’s court hearings don’t interfere with.
With a thrilling mix of high-speed action, legal gray areas, and ethically flexible leadership, the Kanab 600 is shaping up to be the most exciting thing to hit Kane County since the last time a city official ‘accidentally’ took home government property. Whether you’re a racer, a spectator, or just someone who enjoys watching public officials find new and creative ways to get arrested, this is one event you won’t want to miss—unless you’re a pedestrian, in which case you definitely should.
