KANAB, UT—Residents of Johnson Canyon are scratching their heads and rolling their eyes at the eye-popping $5 million estimate to repair a damaged section of the canyon road, wondering aloud how such an astronomical price tag could possibly be justified. After all, as one local quipped, “We could fix that road ourselves for $50, a roll of baling wire, and that one skid steer sitting behind the feed store.”
Critics have taken to social media to voice their disbelief, with many speculating that the estimate must secretly include “a private reservoir for former state representative Mike Noel” or, as one commenter proclaimed, “it’s for a heated Pickleball court that no one’s talking about.”
“This is the kind of government waste we’ve come to expect,” said Dale Watson, a long-time Johnson Canyon resident. “If we get hit with a $5 million bill and all we get is a road, I’m going to be disappointed. At that price, I at least want a water slide to get me into Kanab faster.”
Local conspiracy theories aside, many residents are proposing alternative solutions to avoid the cost entirely. “Why even bother fixing it?” suggested Karen Miller, of the upscale subdivision of Clark’s Bench. “Just take the long way through Paria and up through Cannonville. Sure, it’ll add a couple of hours to the trip, but think of all the stunning views of…well rocks.”
Others have suggested more drastic measures, like abandoning Johnson Canyon entirely. “At $5 million, it’s probably cheaper to just bulldoze the whole canyon and build a new one somewhere else,” said lifelong Kanab local and amateur civil engineer Roy “Rusty” Barnes.
The hefty price tag has also reignited the ongoing debate over Utah’s hottest cultural phenomenon: Pickleball. “I’ll tell you what’s really going on,” said Cheryl Douglas, a self-proclaimed road construction expert with 23 Facebook followers. “They’re slipping in another Pickleball court—mark my words. You’ll see it pop up next to the repair site, and they’ll tell us it’s for ‘community enrichment.’ We don’t even play Pickleball out here. This is cattle country!”
At press time, a petition was circulating to reallocate the road repair funds toward constructing a tourist attraction where locals reenact fixing the road with a skid steer and baling wire—an act one resident argued would “definitely bring more people here than the Pickleball courts.”
