KANE COUNTY, UT—In a plot twist that surprised absolutely no one familiar with Southern Utah, Corey Turner, a Black firefighter, has filed a lawsuit against the Cedar Mountain Fire District, claiming racial discrimination. Turner alleges he was wrongfully fired after being repeatedly undermined by the fire district board, who seemed more interested in micromanaging diversity than extinguishing wildfires.
A Slow Burn to the Top, Then a Quick Burnout
Turner joined the department in 2021 and quickly rose to captain, demonstrating both leadership skills and the ability to tolerate Kane County’s unique brand of “colorblind” racism (read: ignoring race unless they don’t like what they see). However, his career came to an abrupt halt after a video surfaced of him in a verbal altercation while in uniform. Board member Suzy Polnisch allegedly watched the video and immediately declared, “This angry Black man does not represent our district,” proving once again that Kane County’s leadership handbook is just a laminated copy of How to Lose a Lawsuit in 10 Days.
Polnisch’s vision of an ideal firefighter remains unclear, but locals speculate it’s someone who can save lives without looking like they’ve ever been angry—about anything—ever.
Fire Chiefs Dropping Like Flies
The revolving door of fire chiefs at Cedar Mountain is almost impressive, with four chiefs in as many years, none of whom lasted long enough to figure out how to program the office Keurig. Former Chief Chris Rieffer reportedly refused to fire Turner, resulting in the board buying out his contract and replacing him with Chad Poulsen. Poulsen’s stint was even shorter, ending when he was fired for daring to suggest that Turner was, in fact, a competent firefighter.
“I spent my entire time as chief trying to protect Turner,” Poulsen said in an interview. “I was willing to die on that hill.” Locals were quick to point out that Kane County has plenty of hills to die on—usually when cell service cuts out on the way to a gas station.
A Chief, a Crony, and a Lawsuit Walk into a Firehouse
The district eventually hired Forrest Barnard as chief, a man whose qualifications allegedly included being friends with County Commissioner Wade Heaton and knowing how to bait deer (a skill he picked up while being indicted for baiting deer). Turner, who applied for the same position, was allegedly told by Polnisch during his interview, “You clean up well. I didn’t know someone like you was this educated and articulate.” It’s worth noting that “someone like you” is Kane County code for “I’m trying to compliment you, but I just keep insulting myself instead.”
Barnard didn’t waste time making his mark, allegedly firing Turner at the first opportunity while reportedly muttering something so vile that even Kane County’s tumbleweeds blushed.
The Kanab Paper’s Brave Silence
While the lawsuit has sparked heated discussions across the state, local residents noticed one glaring omission: the Kanab newspaper didn’t cover the story. For a publication that boasts front-page features on Fourth of July parades and recipes for Dutch oven peach cobbler, this omission feels as conspicuous as a tourist in flip-flops on a January hike.
Instead, the story was “broken” by KanabUT.com, which courageously reworked the original Salt Lake Tribune article and slapped its name on the byline, marking a journalistic victory for Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V enthusiasts everywhere. Insiders speculate the Kanab paper is “picking its battles,” saving its reporting firepower for more pressing local issues, like the next officer-involved pedestrian accident, which it’s sure to cover with gusto and a stern editorial about crosswalk etiquette.
Critics argue the omission may stem from the paper’s commitment to its unofficial “feel-good mission.” “The last thing they want is to upset the readership,” said one local, “especially when there’s an uplifting story about a stray dog finding its way home just waiting to be written.”
A History of Putting Out the Wrong Fires
This isn’t the first time Kane County has been caught up in racial controversy. Earlier this year, a blackface incident at a high school sports game sparked outrage, with students claiming it was “just part of the team spirit.” Meanwhile, Polnisch defended the district’s hiring practices, stating, “We believe in equal opportunity for anyone who can pass the physical fitness test, as long as their skin tone doesn’t clash with our uniforms.”
Will Anything Change? Probably Not
As Turner seeks compensation for his firing, legal fees, and punitive damages, Kane County residents are left to ponder their next move. Some are hopeful this case will lead to meaningful change, while others are more concerned about the county’s reputation as Utah’s unofficial capital of casual racism.
One resident summed up the situation: “Kane County prides itself on being a place where everyone knows their neighbors. Unfortunately, we also know exactly how they feel about anyone who doesn’t look like them. But hey, at least we’re consistent.”
As the case unfolds, one thing remains certain: The Cedar Mountain Fire District might not be great at handling personnel, but it sure knows how to stoke a fire. And while the Kanab newspaper stays silent, its readers can rest easy knowing the annual “Best Chili Recipe” feature is right on schedule.
