KANAB, UT—In a bold move that has left residents scratching their heads, again, the city of Kanab has announced the imminent opening of its $7 million Recreation Center, a state-of-the-art facility featuring three pickleball courts, some meeting rooms, and bathrooms that are “absolutely unparalleled in the tri-county area.”
Despite the fanfare, locals are questioning why the new center doesn’t address Kanab’s infamous seasonal pool, which is set to open for what experts are predicting will be a record-breaking seven days this year. The pool, which boasts a brand-new slide still tastefully displayed in its original packaging from a year ago, remains an iconic source of frustration and sunburns for the community.
“Pickleball is the Future,” Declares City Official With Suspiciously Well-Toned Forearm
“The Rec Center represents everything Kanab stands for,” proclaimed City Council Member Dale Racket, subtly adjusting his headband. “It’s about community, fitness, and giving 100% of our budget to pickleball enthusiasts, who are, let’s face it, the backbone of this town…or at very least, the squeakiest wheels.”
When asked why the new center lacks an indoor pool—or any plan to enclose the existing pool—Racket clarified, “We considered it, but then we realized that swimming isn’t really a year-round sport. Pickleball, on the other hand, is forever. Plus, there’s just no way the ‘Lifeguard Supply Chain Crisis of 2023’ will resolve itself.”
For years, Kanab’s hiring policy of exclusively employing high school-aged lifeguards has made it impossible to keep the pool open outside of summer vacation. This seasonal constraint has led to rumors that the pool may eventually be rebranded as a “Monsoon Observation Deck” for nine months of the year.
The Rise of the Pickleball Mafia
Critics of the Rec Center have dubbed the city’s administration “The Pickleball Mafia,” accusing them of allocating all available resources to the sport while neglecting other amenities. Local swimmer and occasional pool advocate, Susan Diver, expressed her frustration: “For $7 million, we could’ve built a facility with a year-round pool or at least figured out how to hire lifeguards over 18. But no, it’s all ‘Pickleball this,’ and ‘Pickleball that.’ What’s next? Pickleball lanes on Main Street?”
Racket denies the existence of a Pickleball Mafia but admits that “anyone who opposes Pickleball facilities is obviously just bad at dinking.”
Slide of the Future
Meanwhile, the new pool slide, which has been likened to a modern art installation in its disassembled state, continues to mock residents from just inside the pool entrance for a year. Rumors that it might make its debut this summer have sparked a wave of cautious optimism.
“I heard they’re bringing in experts to install it,” said local teen and part-time lifeguard Tyler Float. “But, like, only if it fits in the budget after they upgrade the pickleball nets again.”
A Future as Bright as the Kanab Sun (But Just as Hot)
Despite the controversy, the city remains optimistic about its vision. “This Rec Center is just the beginning,” Racket insisted. “Next year, we’re looking into expanding our pickleball empire to include a vending machine for Gatorade. And who knows? Maybe the pool will open for eight days in 2026. Dare to dream, Kanab!”
For now, Kanab residents will have to make do with their one-week pool season and the promise of world-class pickleball facilities, as their city continues to prioritize the sport that’s sweeping the nation—and their town budget.
