In a surprise bid to express their growing displeasure with Local Government, Kane County voters staged an unplanned, yet surprisingly widespread write-in campaign in the recent election. In a move that harkened back to the Counter-culture sentiment of “sticking it to the man,” the candidates receiving the most votes were “No One,” and “Anyone Else,” narrowly edging out other impromptu write-ins “Jo Mahma” and “Dixie Normus.” Results that have left local election officials befuddled and the County Clerk’s office at a loss as to how to go about notifying these “unexpected winners.”
Utah Law dictates that a citizen must be officially registered as a write-in candidate in order for votes to legally accrue in their favor, and sadly, neither “No One,” nor “Anyone Else” had done so. Erstwhile County Clerk Karma Jackson, expressed frustration with these provincial and Patriarchal laws, and vowed to write a heated letter, as soon as she gets a darn minute to herself. “Lordy-O – it’s always some friggin’ thing isn’t it?” she vaguely seemed to ask this reporter. Then suddenly exclaimed “No One” won this election, and “Anyone Else” won too.” Three former write-in favorites “Jo Mahma,” “Dixie Normus” and “Hugh Jasso” will be notified as well,” Jackson added, “in case they may aspire to office in the future.” She also wished to express condolences to the family of “Hugh Jasso,” who was accidentally impaled during a dispute over lawn signage.
Change advocate, “Constance Truggle,” summed-up the longing of the local citizenry, stating, “one day, we’ll have the kind of “small government” we believe in. Yet one that is able to respond to the needs of the public at large with the kind of ineffectual and obtuse indifference that we have come to expect. “No One” and “Anyone Else” embody this hope like no one else ever will. After all,” she stated and sighed, “this is Kanab, “No One” sees us, “No One” knows us – and he loves us. Every bit as much as “Anyone Else.”
If anyone knows the whereabouts of “No One” or “Anyone Else” please contact our local Clerk’s office for a very confusing conversation.
